Wallowing

So, last post March 4th. Huh. I have no good reason to have been neglecting my poor little blog. I just can't seem to get myself out of this weird funk. It's been making me pretty crazy and unfun to be around and it's just too much. I'm just tired of thinking about it, feeling sad, rehashing everything in my mind, bursting into tears at nothing, eating too much, eating too little, sleeping all day, staring at the ceiling all night, etc. The Captain has been great about letting me dissolve into a puddle of emotions but also not letting me feel sorry for myself.

The most frustrating thing about it all is I really don't have anything to feel that bad about. I really don't like my job but I do have a job. And if I'm completely honest with myself I kind of don't want to find something I love here. I just cannot feel settled in Wilmington. I have made friends. Some really fun, amazing women who call me and meet me for drinks when I can't take the daily grind anymore. But I don't want to be that "debbie downer" whose always complaining so I haven't completely opened up to them.

I do like the area, except for the horrible traffic and lack of good Indian food. My house is starting to shape up and if you squint your eyes the yard is actually pretty with all the azaleas blooming (as much as I LOVE this warmer weather my allergies are making me physically crazy with the itchy eyes. Every morning I have to decide if I want the fuzzy medicine head or the sneezy red eyes.) I kept telling myself it was the cold weather and the dark days. But it's been warm here for weeks and I can't shake this disconnect in my brain.



A couple weekends ago the Captain and I took a road trip (yay!) and I started talking about the Big Thing that's been on my mind. I wanted to tell him how important it was without making him feel like the bad guy. I wanted to let him know I understood his point of view but not back down. I also wanted to ask some questions that I have been scared to get the answers to. So we talked and I cried and I listened. We didn't clear anything up but I asked the scary questions and I think I got my point across. I didn't get my way but at least I feel like we're making progress.

Last weekend, the Captain got me this

But sparkly purple (and the girl's size because apparently I am the shortest person ever to ride a bike). It's so fancy and I tool around the neighborhood with the wind in my hair. It's a step in the right direction.

On Friday I have a semi job interview on Friday. I say semi because they're not hiring right now but it's my dream job so I'm trying to get myself in there now before they add more people. And of course I'm kind of freaking out about that because I can't do anything small and taking this job would mean moving.....again.....in less than a year. At least it would still be in state so that's good, right? RIGHT? Let's say yes and consider it closed.

I can't guarantee I won't disappear again but I'm going to try really hard to use this blog as a place to record the good things going on in my life like a great haircut or 1/2 price sushi or a boozy Bunko night. Because this black cloud, I'd rather forget.

Ok, Yes, I Cried

I'm going to bare my soul here internet and let you in on my secret shame.
I'm a crier.
Big time.
I'm one of those annoying women who cries not only when she's sad but also frustrated, angry, happy, emotional, etc. It's super weird because my parents (although loving, wonderful people) do not show emotion. My dad is an army brat and raised on bases by a very military family. My mom's parents are very dramatic and emotions ran high in their house growing up causing scariness like mental breakdowns, physical fights, etc. They keep their emotions internal and I think I seen them cry maybe twice my whole life. My sisters and I on the other hand, cry at the drop of a hat. My youngest sister even cries while laughing.

The Captain has come to learn that tears don't always equal sadness and has learned to just let me cry at stupid commercials, movies, cards, whatever. Can I just say? I sobbed at Wall-E. I have to rewatch the movie since the entire last 20 minutes were just a blurry, tear filled screen.

So when I had a show on the DVR that I knew would make me cry I waited till he went out with friends last night. Got my tissues ready, and pushed play on The Girls Next Door season finale.

Lame!

In my defense, they were all leaving and crying and I kind of love that show and will probably watch Kendra's show on E. Seriously internet, I'm a huge dork.

Finally Motivated

Last night I'd had enough of sitting around. When I got back from the gym I got the excellent news that the people buying our couch were coming to get it that night! We got the Captain's parent's old super comfy sectional when they moved to a smaller house. It was huge and weirdly brown/pink plaid but we loved it. We could both completely stretch out and there was room for kitties and blankets and books and whatever else we vegged out with. But again, huge. We specifically had to look for houses with big family rooms-huge. Our current house has a long narrow family room and eventually I got tired of having to walk sideways by the couch with a basket of clean clothes, cleaning supplies, christmas decorations, etc.

So we used the magic of Craigslist to find a loving home for our beloved sectional. Last night it moved to it's new house and we moved a recliner and a smaller couch in it's place. I can't believe how big the room looks now. Of course the cats immediately claimed the chair for themselves so once again, the Captain and I are squeezed onto a smaller couch.

Then (I know! Two activities in one night!) with our couch money burning a hole in our pockets we FINALLY went to the cell phone store and got our phones upgraded. The Captain hates cell phones and only uses his for emergencies, and I really liked my original phone so we never upgraded. Four years later, we decided it was time. We both got plain, no frills flip-phones (although mine plays music) AND The Captain decided we could spring for a cheap texting package. I feel so fancy! And behind the times. But mostly fancy.

Tonight when I get home I can walk by my couch with my arms spread wide and text someone. It's a wild party life I lead here people.

Me-Shape Imprint on the Couch

What's been going on Internet? What's up with me? Nothing. No seriously, absolutely nothing. Hence the lack of posts. I couldn't even think of some random weather related comment. Oh, here's one: Winter can kiss my ass.
The end.

It's been stupidly boring and I can't seem to motivate myself to make anything happen. The Captain got two bad illnesses two weeks in a row so the end of February (including his b-day) was mostly me working, taking him to the doctor, checking on him, giving him ear drops, going to the pharmacy, etc. I know no one wanted to read an exciting post about doctor's waiting rooms. Luckily he's all better now.

Then the weather decided to sink me even further into the end of winter blahs by making three days straight of hard rain. So another weekend was spent shivering under a blanket watching trash TV and playing Hidden Object games.

I did cook two new dishes last week which turned out pretty well. The Captain was too sick for a birthday dinner so I made chicken and pasta with a super rich and garlicky sauce on the side. He ate it and I OD'd on garlic and it was good. I also tried BBQ chicken calzones using pizza dough as a cheat. The sauce was overwhelming so next time I think I'll halve it.

Otherwise, not much happening. We're traveling next weekend and the 19th so hopefully I'll have some funny/interesting stories soon. Stay Tuned!

Saturday

Hey blog peeps! I've been neglecting you again but really I haven't been inspired to write. Since I'm not a great writer anyway when I try to force a post it comes out plodding and boring with no real point. So really it's not laziness, I'm saving you the trouble of reading something bad, or something.

The Captain and I are not really Valentine's Day people. There's nothing wrong with people who go all out and gift gifts or flowers or anything else. It just isn't that important to either of us. We'd rather go all out on our birthdays or anniversary. The Captain is an excellent gift giver and I'm always happy with what he gets me on our "special days". Last anniversary I got a pair of fantastic diamond and emerald earrings he designed to match my engagement ring (which he also designed). So on Saturday we slept late, exchanged cards (his funny and mine sweet) and ate Bojangles for lunch. I went to the gym and we had some errands to run. We've been looking at moving to a different place so we wanted to check out some apartments. No cupids or hearts or flowers. Just us.

It was really nice. Besides a quick trip to the hospital to see The Captain's grandmother (she's ok now) it was just the two of us, hanging out together. As cheesy as it sounds, he really is my best friend and my perfect day are always with him.

Wordy Wednesday-Butter Edition

Biographies are one of my favorite types of book but I tend to read a million of them and then fade out for a couple months. Maybe it's a voyeristic nature or maybe I just love gossip but I get kick out of reading the details of these seemingly larger-than-life celebrities.

Julie and Julia: My Year of Cooking Dangerously by Julie Powell
What I thought: Yum, and yuck.
After hearing about this book several different places I finally remembered to put a hold on it at the library. I sped through it in several days because of the easy writing style and episodic chapters that allowed me to pick it back up without having to reread several pages. I fell in love with Julie and her huge task of making all 524 receipes from Julia Child's most famous cookbook, Mastering the Art of French Cooking in one year. Julie orginally wrote a blog about her journey but instead of printing out the blog and binding it, the editor allowed Julie to talk more about her family, friends and crazy job while quoting from certain blog passages. I admit to being more than a little sick when reading about extracting marrow from a bone or eating brains but cheered along with her after her sucessful boning of a duck. I highly recommend it for two reasons. It made me want to cook and I want to know more about Julie.

Julia Child by Laurie Shapiro
What I thought: I had no idea!
I actually read this a while ago at the begining of my chef biography period. Julia Child facinates me because she was so larger than life. This woman, in the 1940's, was a spy during WWII, married late in life to her soulmate Paul, was one of the first women to study at the famous Cordon Bleu in Paris and created a cooking empire. Laurie abviously cares about her subject but doesn't shy away from the bad sides of Julia's personality. This is a great way to learn more about an amazing woman.

Who Knows and Who's Just Talking?

With 4 strong willed women in my house growing up there was a lot of talking and even more opinions. It drove my scientist dad CRAZY whenever we would just start answering questions without having any knowledge of the subject (besides what we made up in our minds). This phrase was commonly used to cut through the bullshit and get to the heart of the matter.

I find myself using it more and more in my adult life. Especially during this past election year when the muck-raking (or is it mud raking?) was going full force and there were daily "scandals" showing just how terrible one politician was because they did/associated with/gave money to "X". I assure you I was not an very informed voter and usually didn't know the details behind the daily drama. Whenever a friend or stranger tried to fill me in on the "truth" of the matter that little phrase repeated in my head. Even now during this historic administrations first month there are always people who know the truth. And even when I agree with them I force myself to remember "Who knows, and who's just talking?" More often it's the latter than the former.

And in the worse segue ever, I do KNOW that Circa 1922 is now one my new favorite restaurants. The menu is different without being pretentious, they have a wide range of options and their portion size is perfect. Oh yes, this will be my new "special occasion" restaurant.

After reading over this post I also now KNOW that I use way too many quotation marks. "See?" "Great!"Now I can't "Stop" "Help!"