Monday, April 20, 2009


So, last post March 4th. Huh. I have no good reason to have been neglecting my poor little blog. I just can't seem to get myself out of this weird funk. It's been making me pretty crazy and unfun to be around and it's just too much. I'm just tired of thinking about it, feeling sad, rehashing everything in my mind, bursting into tears at nothing, eating too much, eating too little, sleeping all day, staring at the ceiling all night, etc. The Captain has been great about letting me dissolve into a puddle of emotions but also not letting me feel sorry for myself.

The most frustrating thing about it all is I really don't have anything to feel that bad about. I really don't like my job but I do have a job. And if I'm completely honest with myself I kind of don't want to find something I love here. I just cannot feel settled in Wilmington. I have made friends. Some really fun, amazing women who call me and meet me for drinks when I can't take the daily grind anymore. But I don't want to be that "debbie downer" whose always complaining so I haven't completely opened up to them.

I do like the area, except for the horrible traffic and lack of good Indian food. My house is starting to shape up and if you squint your eyes the yard is actually pretty with all the azaleas blooming (as much as I LOVE this warmer weather my allergies are making me physically crazy with the itchy eyes. Every morning I have to decide if I want the fuzzy medicine head or the sneezy red eyes.) I kept telling myself it was the cold weather and the dark days. But it's been warm here for weeks and I can't shake this disconnect in my brain.

A couple weekends ago the Captain and I took a road trip (yay!) and I started talking about the Big Thing that's been on my mind. I wanted to tell him how important it was without making him feel like the bad guy. I wanted to let him know I understood his point of view but not back down. I also wanted to ask some questions that I have been scared to get the answers to. So we talked and I cried and I listened. We didn't clear anything up but I asked the scary questions and I think I got my point across. I didn't get my way but at least I feel like we're making progress.

Last weekend, the Captain got me this

But sparkly purple (and the girl's size because apparently I am the shortest person ever to ride a bike). It's so fancy and I tool around the neighborhood with the wind in my hair. It's a step in the right direction.

On Friday I have a semi job interview on Friday. I say semi because they're not hiring right now but it's my dream job so I'm trying to get myself in there now before they add more people. And of course I'm kind of freaking out about that because I can't do anything small and taking this job would mean less than a year. At least it would still be in state so that's good, right? RIGHT? Let's say yes and consider it closed.

I can't guarantee I won't disappear again but I'm going to try really hard to use this blog as a place to record the good things going on in my life like a great haircut or 1/2 price sushi or a boozy Bunko night. Because this black cloud, I'd rather forget.

No comments: