Monday, March 24, 2008

I am NOT Pregnant

I've been thinking about this post since Wednesday night. I do blog anonmously but I try to follow the mantra to never write something on the blog I wouldn't say to someone's face.

I have always wanted kids. I had three younger siblings that I was a second mother to. When Captain Awesome and I were getting serious I made sure we talked about our feelings on the subject. At one point in our marriage he mentioned that he may not want to have kids and it caused me a big dilema since I could not agree or compromise with that. We have discussed it further and made our decisions.

This weekend made me question my resolve.

Some family members visited me with children (all girls) this weekend. After one day I was annoyed and stressed. With the Captain gone I've gotten used to my routine and the peacefulness of my house. Even when he was here we had quiet evenings and Sundays where we read or messed around on the computer. I like that my house is a haven where I can relax and unwind after a crazy day. The kids were loud and crazy and emotional and I was drained. I love my schedule and I become a not so nice person when I am forced to conform to someone else's life. I know I'm selfish. And then it hit me, that is what being a parent is all about. Am I ready for that? If I'm honest with myself I just don't know.

I think it must be different when they're your own children but is it different enough? I like the kids that were here but I don't think I "love" them. That love between parents and children has to bridge some of the gap. Also, I see these kids once or twice a year for a couple days. By the time we're getting used to each other being around the visit is over. So being with my child every day will allow me to adjust my attitude, right? But that's just everyday stuff. What about tantrums and illness and *shudder* puberty. How will I handle that? I'm officially freaked out by the whole experience. I love reading so called "mommy blogs" and hearing stories about other people's kids. But I don't know if I have it in me to become a graceful, funny, flexible person responsible for someone else's life.

I don't know the answers to any of these questions. I still feel strongly that having kids is extremely important to me but I think I'm looking at the situation with the eyes of an adult instead of a little girl pretending her dolls are her babies.

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