Monday, August 11, 2008


So I've gone and let a whole week pass between posts again. But it's not for lack of trying. Actually I was saving you, my dear readers, from the mess that has been me. I actually posted this warning on the 5th or 6th draft of the post:

Warning. Self-Indulgent Whiny Post Ahead, Procede with Caution.

Every day since last Thursday I come to this entry and try to put something down on paper that conveys my feelings but doesn't make anyone feel like slitting their wrists. Some samples of my super dramatic attempts....

From Thursday-"My parents are coming tomorrow and although I can't wait to see them I just want to hide in bed. I actually worry I may run the car and beg them to take me to Raleigh with them to get me out of here."

From Sunday-"Is numb better than nothing? When the Captain asks what's wrong and I say "nothing" it drives him crazy because he thinks I'm being stubborn but the problem actually is the nothingness."

From Monday-"I'm angry all the time, about everything. It's taken over my life and left a black scummy cloud over everything I think, feel and do. My response is to get weepy and sullen like my 13 year-old-self has re-inhabited my body and is forcing me to revert to the silent treatment and sarcasm punctuated by crying bouts with yelling. "

I guess Monday it all came to a head with my sobbing in the bathroom at work, then going home and sobbing in the shower (while guests sat in the living room) and then sobbing on the bed with the Captain. You know how usually you can cry for a little bit and then feel better. I just kept waiting for the feeling better stage and instead got more and more sad.

The most frustrating part for me was the massive disconnect between my emotions and my mind. Logically I wanted to stop crying and the things setting me off were not worth hours of tears. But I just couldn't get out. I don't think I've had to deal with real depression before but this past week gave me an idea of what people deal with.

After weeks of stewing and being angry and sneaking into the bathroom at night to cry I broke down and let the Captain into my crazy. And shocker! It actually helped to have someone else to lean on. He sat with me while I cried and we actually talked about what was going on with us. We also set up a night to go over money stuff so I could stop feeling the ulcers gnawing their way through my stomach. I also had great conversations with my dad and sister who are money geniuses about ideas on how to get us back on track. And the most helpful thing they both told me? That everyone has times when the money gets low and the debts get high.

I've been feeling ashamed about how bad our money situation is and how we fell into every trap they warn you about. I couldn't talk about it because I felt like we were the only ones drowning. And yes, I read the news stories about people losing their homes or getting cars repossed but I didn't associate "them" with "us". And then to combat the lack of control over money I started quietly obsessing about making everything else perfect in my life. The house not being clean made me physically sick, piles of laundry were over-whelming, being "just a receptionist" was unacceptable. But guess what? Nothing is perfect. The harder I tried and "failed" the worse it got. The Captain tried to reassure me that everything was fine but all I heard in those words was either that he assumed I would fail because I always do or that he was just in denial and I was the only one who could save us. Adding more stress I couldn't handle.

I think I'm gaining a little perspective. I still feel the stress but I've actually felt ok the last couple of days. I had a great time at book club on Wednesday where I had drinks and we made plans for the weekend. The other nights the Captain and I have just relaxed around the house making dinner and enjoying each others company. Tonight is our big "money talk" but instead of dreading it I'm looking forward to an open discussion and coming up with a plan. So I guess I've taken my first steps away from the blackness and towards something better.

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