Monday, April 14, 2008

Quarter Life Crisis?

First of all, I totally cursed myself by writing about good sleep. Last night I was in that weird place where you know you're not asleep but you are definitely not awake. Until 4 AM. Yuck.

I enjoy a lot of different blogs but usually gravitate towards women with no kids in their late 20's. I mean their blogs, not them, well sometimes them, but not to date or anything, just reading their blogs... So some of them have been talking about this Quarter Life crisis thing. I feel like I need to capitalize it since anything with crisis in the title seems important. Unless you're a drama queen like me and my crisis' include running out of Popsicles, forgetting a hair band for the gym or having to choose between a Law & Order SVU rerun or a What Not to Wear rerun. But back to my point. I don't know if I've had this "Crisis" or not. I'll be 28 in May which seems a little close to 30 for my taste. Not that I think I'll hate 30 but it's become my imaginary goal to have my life "together" by then. I think I had the same problem at 25. My younger 18-21 year old self just figured that 25 year old Celia would have her shit together. No more money worries, career settled and going strong, the whole marriage thing down pat. But 25 came and went and I still felt like I was making it up as I went along. I constantly have the feeling that everyone else is totally together and I'm scurrying along wondering how the hell I got my "adult" card.

On the one hand I know that I have tons of great things in my life and I have grown A LOT since I was 22. I am married to my best friend, I have a house that I L-O-V-E love, I have three cats that I almost always remember to feed and water (just kidding Captain!). I have matured to the point where I am caring less about what the world thinks about me and more about what I think. I am MUCH better about communicating my needs and ideas instead of expecting people (mostly Captain Awesome) to read my mind and pouting when they don't. My marriage is stronger than ever and I am convinced we are willing to put in the time and work to keep it strong. I'm in a job I really enjoy which has made me look at what I like and don't like in a job/career.

So why do I still feel like I'm floundering? Every time I pay a bill late because we're short on money I feel like a failure. Every time I go out in public I still worry about my outfit being all wrong. I read about 22 year olds starting their own companies and being super successful. Is this a Quarter Life Crisis? Or is this regular neuroses that everyone has in one form or another? For the record no one in my life including the Captain, our families or friends has ever said anything that would make me believe they think I haven't met their expectations. It's all pressure I put on myself to meet imaginary goals at a time I've made up.

Generally I'm happy with life but these little doubts pop up every once in a while. Is it healthier to drive myself to meet these goals (and possibly make myself a basket case) or better to allow life to take me where ever I'm "meant" to go (which kind of feels like a cop out)? Maybe it's just one of those mysteries of life like "what's the sound of one hand clapping" or "how many run on sentences will I use in this post?"

I really did not mean this post to become so dramatic and re-reading it I sound more desperate/confused than I really am. I guess it's nice to get some validation that there are other 20 year olds out there that have these same feelings. Here are some of my goals for my 30 year old self. Hopefully I'll still be blogging and can look back on them either to laugh at my naivete or check them off.

By 30 I will:
-Have a savings account with more than $500 in it at all times
-Have paid off most of my debt
-Either be pregnant or have a time-line for having kids (don't be scared Captain!)
-Have saved enough or be close to having enough to buy a house we love
-Be able to leave the house without changing outfits a million times 75% of the time
-Continue to be healthy but accept my hips and belly as part of me
-Continue to cherish my husband and make time to tell him I love him every day
-Have a job I enjoy which challenges me but does not take over my life

Wish me luck!

1 comment:

L Sass said...

I think that this is normal anxiety, rather than the dreaded "QLC."

All the same, your before-30 goals are great things to strive for. Sometimes writing down what I want alleviates my QLC-anxiety.