Monday, April 21, 2008

Reasons I Should Not Live Alone

After almost 5 months of Captain Awesome and I living in separate states I have learned that I cannot handle the responsibility of my own life. Here's a few reasons...

-I sleep through natural disasters. I live in Cincinnati where lots of people felt the earthquake last Friday. I have three cats that love to play and chase each other in the early morning. If they think I'm awake they will dog pile on top of me and cry because even though their food dish is full they need MORE and RIGHT NOW or FIVE MINUTE AGO. Since they have resisted my attempts to teach them to tell time and you just can't reason with them, I pretend to be asleep to trick my cats. (I'm pathetic). When I felt the bed move I assumed that one or more cats had jumped up so I played possum and went back to sleep. Honestly, I'm still not sure if it was the cats or an earthquake. I possibly should add some Diet cat food to my grocery list.

-I forget to buy important stuff on my grocery list. I pass PetSmart every day AND was at the grocery on Sunday and I STILL forgot to buy food for the only other things, besides myself, I am responsible for. Last night I used the last of the cat food and thought "better remember to stop at PetSmart tomorrow night." This morning I looked at the cabinet where the food is kept reminded myself "Get food at PetSmart on the way home today!" Guess what happened. Guess who didn't remember until after she mowed the lawn and was a sweaty beast in shorts and a tank top? Guess who was guilted into going to the Kroger so her poor spoiled, earthquake-like babies didn't miss one meal?

-I hate being alone when I'm sick. I got an awful cold last weekend. Since I'm a drama queen we'll call it the Death Cold. I thought it was allergies but my throat hurt and I had a fever, wah. I was miserable and was forced to call Captain Awesome and try to convince him to drive 14 hours to bring me some orange Gatorade and Ginger Ale, and some soup, and some candy, and a movie. After two days of moaning and no sleep I finally took the Captain's advice and went to a Doc-In-the-Box kind of place. I cried in the waiting room because everyone else had someone with them and then the doctor didn't take my complaint seriously enough. (Actually he was very nice and gave me some awesome drugs but he did not hug me and offer me a cold washcloth for my head and drive me home and pick up my perscriptions at the Kroger which, come on, that seemed like the NICE response to poor pitiful me).

-I can't be trusted with perscription drugs. In my defense I was sick (you have to say it in a sad but very whiny voice). I did not really listen to the pharmacists instructions for the various pills and potions she gave me. I took everything as soon as I got home which was sweet relief. Then I was confused by labels that said take every 12 hours. Should I wake up at 2:30 am to comply with instructions or just start fresh the next day? And when the cough syrup says it may make me drowsy, how drowsy is it? Turns out VERY drowsy and should not be taken after midnight when you have to get to work at 8am the next day. You will be high at work for several hours.

And that brings us to today. I actually did clean the kitchen, weed the front beds and vacuum yesterday. Today I did laundry and mowed the lawn so I have proved that I'm not a total failure as a grown-up. Or maybe I'm just getting better at faking it.

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