Wallowing

So, last post March 4th. Huh. I have no good reason to have been neglecting my poor little blog. I just can't seem to get myself out of this weird funk. It's been making me pretty crazy and unfun to be around and it's just too much. I'm just tired of thinking about it, feeling sad, rehashing everything in my mind, bursting into tears at nothing, eating too much, eating too little, sleeping all day, staring at the ceiling all night, etc. The Captain has been great about letting me dissolve into a puddle of emotions but also not letting me feel sorry for myself.

The most frustrating thing about it all is I really don't have anything to feel that bad about. I really don't like my job but I do have a job. And if I'm completely honest with myself I kind of don't want to find something I love here. I just cannot feel settled in Wilmington. I have made friends. Some really fun, amazing women who call me and meet me for drinks when I can't take the daily grind anymore. But I don't want to be that "debbie downer" whose always complaining so I haven't completely opened up to them.

I do like the area, except for the horrible traffic and lack of good Indian food. My house is starting to shape up and if you squint your eyes the yard is actually pretty with all the azaleas blooming (as much as I LOVE this warmer weather my allergies are making me physically crazy with the itchy eyes. Every morning I have to decide if I want the fuzzy medicine head or the sneezy red eyes.) I kept telling myself it was the cold weather and the dark days. But it's been warm here for weeks and I can't shake this disconnect in my brain.



A couple weekends ago the Captain and I took a road trip (yay!) and I started talking about the Big Thing that's been on my mind. I wanted to tell him how important it was without making him feel like the bad guy. I wanted to let him know I understood his point of view but not back down. I also wanted to ask some questions that I have been scared to get the answers to. So we talked and I cried and I listened. We didn't clear anything up but I asked the scary questions and I think I got my point across. I didn't get my way but at least I feel like we're making progress.

Last weekend, the Captain got me this

But sparkly purple (and the girl's size because apparently I am the shortest person ever to ride a bike). It's so fancy and I tool around the neighborhood with the wind in my hair. It's a step in the right direction.

On Friday I have a semi job interview on Friday. I say semi because they're not hiring right now but it's my dream job so I'm trying to get myself in there now before they add more people. And of course I'm kind of freaking out about that because I can't do anything small and taking this job would mean moving.....again.....in less than a year. At least it would still be in state so that's good, right? RIGHT? Let's say yes and consider it closed.

I can't guarantee I won't disappear again but I'm going to try really hard to use this blog as a place to record the good things going on in my life like a great haircut or 1/2 price sushi or a boozy Bunko night. Because this black cloud, I'd rather forget.

Ok, Yes, I Cried

I'm going to bare my soul here internet and let you in on my secret shame.
I'm a crier.
Big time.
I'm one of those annoying women who cries not only when she's sad but also frustrated, angry, happy, emotional, etc. It's super weird because my parents (although loving, wonderful people) do not show emotion. My dad is an army brat and raised on bases by a very military family. My mom's parents are very dramatic and emotions ran high in their house growing up causing scariness like mental breakdowns, physical fights, etc. They keep their emotions internal and I think I seen them cry maybe twice my whole life. My sisters and I on the other hand, cry at the drop of a hat. My youngest sister even cries while laughing.

The Captain has come to learn that tears don't always equal sadness and has learned to just let me cry at stupid commercials, movies, cards, whatever. Can I just say? I sobbed at Wall-E. I have to rewatch the movie since the entire last 20 minutes were just a blurry, tear filled screen.

So when I had a show on the DVR that I knew would make me cry I waited till he went out with friends last night. Got my tissues ready, and pushed play on The Girls Next Door season finale.

Lame!

In my defense, they were all leaving and crying and I kind of love that show and will probably watch Kendra's show on E. Seriously internet, I'm a huge dork.

Finally Motivated

Last night I'd had enough of sitting around. When I got back from the gym I got the excellent news that the people buying our couch were coming to get it that night! We got the Captain's parent's old super comfy sectional when they moved to a smaller house. It was huge and weirdly brown/pink plaid but we loved it. We could both completely stretch out and there was room for kitties and blankets and books and whatever else we vegged out with. But again, huge. We specifically had to look for houses with big family rooms-huge. Our current house has a long narrow family room and eventually I got tired of having to walk sideways by the couch with a basket of clean clothes, cleaning supplies, christmas decorations, etc.

So we used the magic of Craigslist to find a loving home for our beloved sectional. Last night it moved to it's new house and we moved a recliner and a smaller couch in it's place. I can't believe how big the room looks now. Of course the cats immediately claimed the chair for themselves so once again, the Captain and I are squeezed onto a smaller couch.

Then (I know! Two activities in one night!) with our couch money burning a hole in our pockets we FINALLY went to the cell phone store and got our phones upgraded. The Captain hates cell phones and only uses his for emergencies, and I really liked my original phone so we never upgraded. Four years later, we decided it was time. We both got plain, no frills flip-phones (although mine plays music) AND The Captain decided we could spring for a cheap texting package. I feel so fancy! And behind the times. But mostly fancy.

Tonight when I get home I can walk by my couch with my arms spread wide and text someone. It's a wild party life I lead here people.

Me-Shape Imprint on the Couch

What's been going on Internet? What's up with me? Nothing. No seriously, absolutely nothing. Hence the lack of posts. I couldn't even think of some random weather related comment. Oh, here's one: Winter can kiss my ass.
The end.

It's been stupidly boring and I can't seem to motivate myself to make anything happen. The Captain got two bad illnesses two weeks in a row so the end of February (including his b-day) was mostly me working, taking him to the doctor, checking on him, giving him ear drops, going to the pharmacy, etc. I know no one wanted to read an exciting post about doctor's waiting rooms. Luckily he's all better now.

Then the weather decided to sink me even further into the end of winter blahs by making three days straight of hard rain. So another weekend was spent shivering under a blanket watching trash TV and playing Hidden Object games.

I did cook two new dishes last week which turned out pretty well. The Captain was too sick for a birthday dinner so I made chicken and pasta with a super rich and garlicky sauce on the side. He ate it and I OD'd on garlic and it was good. I also tried BBQ chicken calzones using pizza dough as a cheat. The sauce was overwhelming so next time I think I'll halve it.

Otherwise, not much happening. We're traveling next weekend and the 19th so hopefully I'll have some funny/interesting stories soon. Stay Tuned!

Saturday

Hey blog peeps! I've been neglecting you again but really I haven't been inspired to write. Since I'm not a great writer anyway when I try to force a post it comes out plodding and boring with no real point. So really it's not laziness, I'm saving you the trouble of reading something bad, or something.

The Captain and I are not really Valentine's Day people. There's nothing wrong with people who go all out and gift gifts or flowers or anything else. It just isn't that important to either of us. We'd rather go all out on our birthdays or anniversary. The Captain is an excellent gift giver and I'm always happy with what he gets me on our "special days". Last anniversary I got a pair of fantastic diamond and emerald earrings he designed to match my engagement ring (which he also designed). So on Saturday we slept late, exchanged cards (his funny and mine sweet) and ate Bojangles for lunch. I went to the gym and we had some errands to run. We've been looking at moving to a different place so we wanted to check out some apartments. No cupids or hearts or flowers. Just us.

It was really nice. Besides a quick trip to the hospital to see The Captain's grandmother (she's ok now) it was just the two of us, hanging out together. As cheesy as it sounds, he really is my best friend and my perfect day are always with him.

Wordy Wednesday-Butter Edition

Biographies are one of my favorite types of book but I tend to read a million of them and then fade out for a couple months. Maybe it's a voyeristic nature or maybe I just love gossip but I get kick out of reading the details of these seemingly larger-than-life celebrities.

Julie and Julia: My Year of Cooking Dangerously by Julie Powell
What I thought: Yum, and yuck.
After hearing about this book several different places I finally remembered to put a hold on it at the library. I sped through it in several days because of the easy writing style and episodic chapters that allowed me to pick it back up without having to reread several pages. I fell in love with Julie and her huge task of making all 524 receipes from Julia Child's most famous cookbook, Mastering the Art of French Cooking in one year. Julie orginally wrote a blog about her journey but instead of printing out the blog and binding it, the editor allowed Julie to talk more about her family, friends and crazy job while quoting from certain blog passages. I admit to being more than a little sick when reading about extracting marrow from a bone or eating brains but cheered along with her after her sucessful boning of a duck. I highly recommend it for two reasons. It made me want to cook and I want to know more about Julie.

Julia Child by Laurie Shapiro
What I thought: I had no idea!
I actually read this a while ago at the begining of my chef biography period. Julia Child facinates me because she was so larger than life. This woman, in the 1940's, was a spy during WWII, married late in life to her soulmate Paul, was one of the first women to study at the famous Cordon Bleu in Paris and created a cooking empire. Laurie abviously cares about her subject but doesn't shy away from the bad sides of Julia's personality. This is a great way to learn more about an amazing woman.

Who Knows and Who's Just Talking?

With 4 strong willed women in my house growing up there was a lot of talking and even more opinions. It drove my scientist dad CRAZY whenever we would just start answering questions without having any knowledge of the subject (besides what we made up in our minds). This phrase was commonly used to cut through the bullshit and get to the heart of the matter.

I find myself using it more and more in my adult life. Especially during this past election year when the muck-raking (or is it mud raking?) was going full force and there were daily "scandals" showing just how terrible one politician was because they did/associated with/gave money to "X". I assure you I was not an very informed voter and usually didn't know the details behind the daily drama. Whenever a friend or stranger tried to fill me in on the "truth" of the matter that little phrase repeated in my head. Even now during this historic administrations first month there are always people who know the truth. And even when I agree with them I force myself to remember "Who knows, and who's just talking?" More often it's the latter than the former.

And in the worse segue ever, I do KNOW that Circa 1922 is now one my new favorite restaurants. The menu is different without being pretentious, they have a wide range of options and their portion size is perfect. Oh yes, this will be my new "special occasion" restaurant.

After reading over this post I also now KNOW that I use way too many quotation marks. "See?" "Great!"Now I can't "Stop" "Help!"

Mission Accomplished!

I left the house several times this weekend! Yay! Go me!

We had amazingly beautiful weather and I'm finally feeling better so I had several big adventures. Recently I reconnected with a friend from college who lives in my town. We met for lunch at a food Co-op but they don't have an official cafe. We were going to just get sandwiches and drinks to eat outside but they were organizing a protest and we felt like jerks just sitting there so we went to Panera instead. I know, it's terrible.

Sunday we went to the Chocolate Festival put on by the big senior center in the county. It was fun and we ate lots of samples and bought some raffle tickets. Then we worked off about 1/8th of the calories by dragging heavy branches and bushes to the curb. (And of course when I say "we" I mean I ate most of the chocolate and The Captain did most of the work).

Tonight I've got dinner at a yummy restaurant with friends and the high is supposed to be 65.
Awesome.

Wordy Wednesday-Friday Edition

Yep, so I blew it 4 weeks in. Really it was for your own good. No one wanted to read yet another whiny post about how sick I was. I survived most of the day Wednesday at work mostly by taking 1 minute naps at my desk. Several times I woke myself up snoring, I'm klassy like that.

BUT I'm feeling better, we're supposed to get some warmer weather this weekend, I've got plans for lunch AND I'm going to a chocolate festival this weekend so all it right with the world. I also discovered the secret for picking out cute outfits. Take a strong cough syrup then wake up several times a night for about a week. Somewhere in the haze your brain will put together pieces in your wardrobe that actually look good. I wore a sweater yesterday I haven't touched all winter because I couldn't figure out what shirt to wear with it. Thanks codine cough syrup!

Last night The Captain made dinner for the first time almost completely by himself and it was awesome! Of course he's cooked a frozen pizza or made some noodles but this was a whole meal. We had ground chicken burritos, spicy refried beans, rice and tortillas. He did ask me to supervise but I am terrible at explaining why I do certain things. Like cutting up the meat as you brown it. I just know it's easier.

Here is my half assed Wordy Wednesday:
The Curious Incident of a Dog in Night-Time by Mark Haddon
For full disclosure I read this as part of the January discussion on Very Bookish. It was one that had been on my list for forever but I'd passed over for fluffier Lisa Jewell or Marion Keyes books. I was turned off by the back cover blurb but it was amazing. It's written from the point of view of an autistic boy so everything is filtered through his logical but emotionally void mind. Read the comments on Very bookish for more insightful comments. Just know that I really enjoyed it and would read it again.

Not Dead Yet

This weekend I...well, let's see...there was...no, not that..maybe...nope, well, hmmm. Ah yes, now I remember. I spend the entire weekend breathing through my mouth and drinking cup after cup of hot tea to soothe my firey throat. Oh yes my friends, I have caught another cold bringing the grand total to 2,456,965 (with rounding). Seriously 2009, enough with the head colds. I've been buying kleenex by the case and I'm sure my neighbors have seen me stumble outside in slippers and pj's often enough to consider calling the police. And my great "work-out 3 times a week" plan? Yeah, not going so well considering walking from my couch to the stove makes me want to take a nap.

I've tried everything, taken airborne, vitamin C, drank gallons of OJ, washed my hands, etc and I still keep getting infected. I took some old perscription cough medicine last night to help me sleep and man that stuff is strong. I felt drunk the first half of the day which I guess is better than feeling like I got hit by a truck. I am also declaring a red and peeling nose the must-have accessory for January. It goes so well with the bags under my eyes. I am a vision of lovelyness.

My goals for next weekend are: 1. Don't have a cold and 2. Leave the house.
It's ambitious but I think I can handle it.

Wordy Wednesday

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows
Overall Impression: I had no idea...
I love historical fiction and this was everything I wanted in a book and more. Set in England just after WWII this book is told through a series of letters. The characters are so real without being sterotyped and the situations they lived through completely shocked me. It's a perfect combination of realism and the humor we use to get through the hard times.
Would I Read it Again: Yes, I may even buy this one.


Girls In Trucks by Katie Crouch
Overall Impression: Sterotypical helpless Southern female
So I totally know where Katie Crouch wanted to take this. But it just seemed to fall a little short. It follows the teen and young adult years of a Southern woman. I appreciate that she has flaws but her total helplessness wore me down. I had a hard time feeling sorry for her after her one millionth self defeating decision. I would totally read another book by her but I did not love this one.
Would I Read it Again: No

Lazy Sunday

Wordy Wednesday

Look, I'm keeping it up!



My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult
Overall Impression: Oh my god (but in a good way)
So this is my book club book this month and, wow. I was hesitant to read it but once I started this monster I could NOT put it down. It's about a family going through the illness of a child and how it effects everyone. Jodi Picoult wrote from everyone's perspective from a 40 something mother to a 16 year old boy. The book really made me grateful for my families health but also questions just how strong I would be in a crisis. I highly recommend it.
Would I read it again: Yes, no question. I just have to be in the right mood to read a very emotional book.





A Boy Named Shel by Lisa Rogak
Overall Impression: I am so ignorant sometimes
So some of my favorite books growing up were A Light in the Attic and Where the Sidewalk Ends. I had NO idea how much other Shel Silverstein created. He got his start drawing cartoons for the army which turned into drawing cartoons for Playboy. He lived in the original Chicago mansion and was friends with Hef his whole life. He wrote country, pop and folk songs, plays, short stories, more cartoons along with his other children's books including The Giving Tree. He was hard working and a genius. I loved learning more about him.
Would I read it again: Maybe. I didn't love the author's style but I would read more bios of him.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

*Fair Warning: Title is my extra cliche'd way of tying together 3 completely unrelated thoughts*

The Good:
The inauguration was amazing. I watched CNN.com all morning and then listened to public radio the rest of the day (nerd alert!). I am completely caught up in all the hopefulness and joy this new president inspires in people. I shed some tears and clapped when the oath was official. I got chills during the speech. I am ready to work hard and make this country great again.

Also, I am still surprised at the ignorance of a small but vocal section of the country. I've done my share of trash talking but I have always directed it to specific actions (ie the poor handling of international politics) NOT a person's physical characteristics. This part isn't good but I had to mention it because it makes me crazy!

The Bad:
I made applesauce last night in an attempt to use up the nasty red apples that came in various fruit baskets we got over the holidays. It was surprisingly easy and delicious. The bad was after I put it in the blender to get rid of the last chunks. Instead of lifting the whole pitcher out and pouring it easily into the gladware, I somehow unscrewed only the glass part and the applesauce flowed lava-like onto the blender and counter. Luckily I had just cleaned the counters so I just scraped it all into the container and hoped for the best.

The Ugly:
After 4 months of excuses I finally bit the bullet and joined a gym again. I really enjoyed it in Cincy but due to lack of money and extra laziness I never got back in to it. So last night I sweated my way through an embarrasingly short workout. Ugh, thank godness I am not trying to pick any guys up. I don't think the bright red face, sweating and panting look is hot right now.

Is It Just Me?

Why is it that traveling over the weekend always wears me out? We had a super fun weekend with some friends of ours from college but it was more a "drink some wine, play cards and talk" fun rather than "get crazy drunk-stay up late" fun. We were more casual partly because they live in the sticks (their house is beautiful but seriously 20 miles from ANYWHERE), partly because they have a 6 month old baby (squee!!) and partly because we are officially old.

On the drive home yesterday in the driving rain I was getting super sleepy. The Captain and I spent the entire evening catching up on TV shows instead of getting ready for the week. Don't get me wrong, it was one of the most fun weekends I've had in ages, but man, it wore me out.

I'm blaming the tiredness on the fact that I am wearing a stained shirt at work. I'm so horrified I will probably go out and lunch and buy a new shirt. I have no idea how I missed the big drops of coffee (?) all down the arm but it looks very fancy with my short sleeve sweater. Everytime I type (almost all day) I see those gross brown stains staring at me. How embarassing.

Wordy Wednesday-Inagural Edition

*Just pretend this was posted yesterday to make the title work*

In an effort to get out of this blogging slump/writers block that I seem to have, I'm trying to have an unofficial theme of the day. I know, what a nerd. Let me push up my coke bottle glasses with the tape and shock everyone with the news that I love to read. I read every night before bed and a lot of times at lunch and weekend mornings and while I'm waiting in line and...you get the point. So my plan in to review whatever books I'm reading. I warn you I read a lot of trash (chick-lit, paperback mysteries) but I try to stretch myself sometimes. If this if fun and I don't forget I'll try to make it a weekly thing. Of course I love to hear book suggestions too so comment away!

The Thin Place by Kathryn Davis
Overall Impression: What?
This was a short book and I had read some reviews so it seemed like a good holiday read. I finished this book feeling like I had missed about 4 crucial chapters. I love that each chapter is told from a different character's point of view (even dogs) but the story felt really disjointed and I never really got the point. I'll give it the benefit of the doubt that I just missed some deeper meaning.
Would I read it again: No

The Girl with the Pearl Earring by Tracy Chavalier
Overall Impression: Wow.
Again, a short paperback. I got this at my bookclub's holiday book swap and it got lots of positive reviews. I really enjoyed all parts of this book. It was an amazing glimpse into a short part of one girl's life. The historical descriptions of the city, house and clothes made this even better. Also, the social stigma of going from daughter of respected artisan to daughter of poor artisan to servant to the next stage of her life (I won't spoil it) makes me glad to live where and when I do.
Would I read it again: Yes

Village Affairs by Cassandra Chan
Overall Impression: fun and cute, if you like English mystery novels a la Dorothy Sayers, you will like this
I warned you that I read fluff and this is fluff at it's finest. As a anglophile I loved the descriptions of the country side, village church and local pubs along with the admittedly sterotypical characters. The mystery was intriguing without being impossible to solve and kept my interest.
Would I read it again: Yes, once enough time has passed for me to forget "who dunnit"

New Start, New Year

So um yeah, I've been away for a long time now. I was kind of holiday crazy, out of the groove of blogging, out of town every weekend. But also, now that's it's been a year, I've been trying to figure out what I want from this little blog. When I started last January it was because I'd been reading so many great blogs and wanted to be part of the mysterious "blog-o-sphere". Also, the Captain was many states away and I wanted to keep him up to date on my daily boring minutia. Now that I can tell him my long boring stories over dinner I'm less inclined to do the type-y thing every day.

I also didn't really put my blog out there for everyone so I don't have a lot of readers (I think). Now I won't lie, I sometimes wish I got more comments. But on the other hand I'm super bad about lurking and get performance anxiety when commenting that it will be lame, a repeat of what everyone else said, etc. Also, I'm horrible about remembering to email people back.

So I've been debating about telling people about this blog in real life. Not that I'm not proud of it, but it would change the "diaryness" of the blog and make it more about entertaining people. I love getting compliments but I feel like I would lose the "inner" of the inner monologue. Being able to work through my depression earlier this year was amazing. If I knew my mom (and horror of horrors, my in-laws) read this I know I would censor myself.

So to make a long and boring story (don't you feel sorry for the Captain now) shorter, I've just been thinking. I've sent the link to my sisters who I know won't judge. And some friends who also have blogs. But I think that will be all for right now. I'm also going to try to be a much better commenter on the blogs I read.

For right now, this blog will keep being my "Secret Public Journal" (title totally stolen from Mike Birbiglia).

I will not stress about posting every day but I will enjoy the only truly creative outlet in my life. I will not stress about the mediocre writing, spelling and grammer mistakes but keep believing that practice make perfect, or better at least.
I will add some damn pictures already!
I will comment more on other blogs, thanking the people for making me laugh or think about the world

And since I am constantly changing my mind this may all change next week. And I'm ok with that.